How to Be Stressed Out and Get Heart Problems

How To Stay Stressed

Ya’ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED!!!!!! Tips on how to maintain a high stress level.

The benefits of being stressed out

  • STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT: Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very crucial.
  • IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY: Anyone as busy as you are certainly can’t be expected to form emotional attachments to anyone. And let’s face it, you’re not much fun to be around anyway.
  • IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES: Obviously, you are too stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.
  • IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS: Why risk being successful when by simply being stressed you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep your performance level low enough that success won’t ever be a threat.
  • IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH: Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and you can give yourself a ‘hit’ any time you choose. But, be careful. You might get addicted to your own adrenaline.
  • STRESS ALSO HELPS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE: The authoritarian style of ‘just do what I say!’ is generally permissible under crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere, you can justify an authoritarian style all of the time.

AND here’s HOW to stay stressed:

  • NEVER EXERCISE: Exercise wastes a lot of the time that could be spent worrying.
  • EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT: Hey, if cigarette smoke can’t cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn’t likely to either.
  • GAIN WEIGHT: Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.
  • TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS: The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
  • AVOID ‘WOO-WOO’ PRACTICES: Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is good for everyone, Protestant or not.
  • GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM: Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
  • PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM: Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don’t take the time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!
  • THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR: Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn’t be treated as one.
  • MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE-BE MACHO: Never ask for any help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
  • BECOME A WORKAHOLIC: Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
  • DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS: Schedule more activities every day than you can possibly get done, then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
  • PROCRASTINATE: Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.
  • WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN’T CONTROL: Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age. You know, all the big issues.
  • BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS: and either beat yourself up, or fell guilty, depressed, discouraged, and or inadequate when you don’t meet them.

The content of this page was created: 2009-07-23 and last modified: 2009-08-31.

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